Am I really selfish?

I am single, do I not Know or understand how to share? Am by my very singleness selfish?

Today, I ran into a quandary. It didn’t dent my car too badly but still It gave me pause to think. Today being fathers day, my Bishop chose to be the main speaker for the day. I look-up to my Bishop and respect him greatly. And most of his comments were properly uplifting. He addressed the importance of father-hood. He addressed the various aspects of it that he sees every day. First as being a father, then as up to his father, and as I attend a YSA ward, he addressed the potential we brethren in the ward have. In this portion was the one small set of remarks that made me pause, in total disagreement of.

Now I’ve disagreed with comments made over the pulpit before. Being an opinionated smart-alec, I often may find points to mildly disagree with, but I don’t recall such a strong internal reaction. I even considered for half a second getting up and leaving, but I don’t do that kind of stuff, and the rest of the talk, as much as I was able to pay attention to it was back to being uplifting.

What was it that hit me so hard? When the Bishop commented, something to the effect of: “As singles you do not know how to share, and you need to repent of your selfishness.” Once I stopped reeling from the concept I tried to note it in my PDA but am pretty sure I missed the exact wording.

Okay I can recognize that being single I have not had the experience of sharing my life and all that I have with someone, and that It is extremely easy for a single adult to decide to focus on getting all the toys before “tying themselves down”. But do I really not know or understand how to share? Am I by my very singleness selfish to the point of needing to repent?

I have not found that someone to share my life and my eternity with, but it’s not for lack of trying. I am not special in my difficulties in the search, but do have additional burdens. Difficulty with relationships is a symptom of various forms of ADD. I am Hypo-active, which is the direct opposite of Hyper-activity. How this effects my dating is a topic for another lengthy post. Let me just say that when it comes to asking someone out, the hyper-active crowd have it a lot easier.

All that being said, does that still make me selfish? What have I done with my life? I served a mission. When I got home, I started working to save for school, I wasn’t saving fast enough so I enlisted in the Army National Guard to help pay for school. Two years later I finished my training and returned home to Zion, okay Utah, to begin school.

While attending school I fell for someone and was actually able to ask her out repeatedly, I even became fairly sure I had found the one. Then she decided I wasn’t the one. The next one she dated was(only a mild grrr as we are still friends).

As I continued my schooling, I kept looking and trying to date, rarely going beyond a couple dates, before my ADD enhanced shyness would clamp my mouth shut.

Then came the calls from Uncle Sam. Deployed eight months for Kosovo (was actually in Macedonia to be precise). I come back and many I was interested in were either moved away or married. Then less than a year after returning from Macedonia, in which was included a six week deployment for the Olympics, I was deployed for ten months in Bosnia. Again I returned to find angels I had been interested long since gone. Luckily for me I was in Bosnia when Iraq kicked off or I would have been sent there for a total of 18 months gone from home.

So I have legitimately diagnosed Learning disorder that affects my ability to develop relationships. And add to that frequently being yanked out of circulation, and having to start over new each time. Where is the selfishness?

Okay how about in my personal wealth. I admit I do have the ability to spend money but what has it purchased me? I drive a six year old Ford escort with nothing power but the steering, and a 11 year old Dodge Dakota I purchased for $4000 from my father when he bought a new one. I live in a Mobile home I inherited from my aunt. It was that or the family would have to keep making lot rental payments until it sold. I have a 19” TV, and 10 year old stereo system. I have a somewhat nice Mountain Bike (which I rarely ride). I do have a couple nice laptops, one that I purchased before each of my two overseas deployments, when I knew I’d be able to pay them off quickly. However the newest one is now three years old. As is the multimedia projector I purchased at the same time. My one splurge I can readily point out is my DVD collection. But even that has seen the most growth during times when I’ve been deployed.

I haven’t put off dating to complete my education, which is where most of my money has gone. I haven’t put off dating to buy the latest sports car. Where is the selfishness? The sisters of my ward, actually everybody in the ward knows they can count on me to help them with just about anything. I have yet to formally serve on the activities committee yet I’ve been extensively involved in almost every major activity my was has had since it was opened in 1998. I’ve voluntarily delayed my college education for two voluntary deployments (Macedonia and the Olympics).

I guess I am the epitome of selfishness. I haven’t found someone yet and have gone on with my life. Therefore I am a selfish bastard who has no concept of sharing. Thanks for the uplifting fathers-day message Bishop